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Title: All the King's Horses and All the King's Men
Author:![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
alyse
Pairing: Alec/Logan
Word Count: ~17,600
Rating: Hard R (for non-explicit sex)
Warning: None
Spoilers: Set post Season 2
Disclaimer: I don't own Dark Angel or its characters. I'm just borrowing them and will put them back, possibly a little more worn than they were before.
Author's notes: Written forfeline_feral for the Summer ![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-community.gif)
jam_pony_fic Ficathon. Prompt used was Alec having seizures and Logan helping him through it.. Lyrics quoted are from either Downfall or Unwell, both by Matchbox Twenty. They fit.
Thanks todavechicken for the quick and dirty beta that enabled me to - just - slip it under the wire. ::smooch::
Summary: Logan had grown used to the quiet in the evenings, but that was before he took a sharp left into Surrealsville, population two.
---
Part 1 of 2
---
I wonder how you sleep
I wonder what you think of me
---
Over the years, Logan had cultivated many sources for Eyes Only, some reliable, some not. Some of them lived their lives in the grey, existing just below the radar, scraping by day by day in ways that sometimes pushed the boundaries of what was legal and sometimes crossed them completely. Some - the rarer ones, like Matt Sung - spent their lives trying to uphold the laws of the land.
Matt had helped Eyes Only out innumerable times as he'd grown from a raw novice cop on the streets, burning at the injustices he saw around him, to a seasoned detective, one who had finally come to terms with the fact that what was legal was not always just, and what was just was not always legal.
Logan owed him more than the man would ever suspect. Matt had never made the connection that Logan Cale and Eyes Only were one and the same, treating Logan as a fellow informant/member of the Eyes Only network, so Matt would never get that, and somehow thanks expressed as 'I'm sure Eyes Only will be grateful' never seemed to be enough.
After tonight Logan owed him even more. Matt would never get to know that either. Even so, Logan was considerably more optimistic as he headed up the porch steps into the house. That would have to be thanks enough.
Alec wasn't where he'd left him. The sofa was empty and the throw was lying discarded on the floor in a crumpled heap. The bottle of tryptophan lay on its side on the table, empty. The gun was next to it, where Logan had left it. He wanted to take that as a good sign, but he still picked it up on his way past, checking to make sure that it was still loaded as he moved through to the kitchen.
Alec had been in there at some point. The carton of milk Logan had left for him was empty on the table, a dirty glass in the sink. There was a bowl too - it seemed that Alec had found the chicken soup. Logan had picked up another carton of milk on his way back; he put it on the table next to the empty one and kept moving. There was no sign of a struggle, but he supposed that it was possible that Alec was feeling better and had left the same way that he'd arrived. He couldn't shake the nagging feeling that that was too easy. Apart from the fact that Max had suggested that there was worse to come, Alec had picked up enough of the social niceties by now to have at least left Logan a note. He thought.
As he continued through the house - checking out the hall, bedroom, study methodically and in order - the nagging feeling grew until even Logan was willing to admit that it was now full blown worry. He couldn't help but picture Alec the way he'd been in the basement - shaking and uncoordinated, face drawn and eyes scared. It was the fear that stayed with him now. He'd never seen Alec scared before and he knew now that he never wanted to see it again. Not even Alec deserved that.
He picked up the pace, his heart beginning to race. Second bedroom, bathroom...
Alec was curled up on the bathroom floor, shivering uncontrollably. He was still conscious, eyes focusing on Logan desperately as another spasm shook his body.
"Oh, Jesus, Alec."
He fell to his knees on the floor next to Alec's head, hands once again hovering ineffectually. He still had the gun in his hand; Alec's gaze switched from his face to it, watching it with the same desperation. Again, Logan had no idea what was going through Alec's head, but the fear was still clear in Alec's eyes and it turned Logan's stomach, brought acid up into his throat.
He put the gun down on the floor, Alec's eyes tracking it all the way, and pushed it across the linoleum, hoping that out of sight, out of mind would apply.
There was a sour smell in the air, vomit and something riper, more unpleasant. It didn't take him long to realise that Alec had made it to the bathroom just in time to throw up, and his nose crinkled with a mixture of pity and distaste. He made sure that was the only reaction he showed, not wanting to make things any worse for Alec than he needed to. If Alec was anything like Max - and they were more alike than he'd wanted to admit at first - he'd never ever want Logan, or anyone else for that matter, to see him weak, vulnerable.
Not pride, not for transgenics. Survival instinct. He got that now.
He caught Alec's head before it impacted with the toilet pedestal, pulling him forward so that it wouldn't happen again. It was easy to slide him over the linoleum; he seemed a hell of a lot lighter now, less solid. And still his eyes were locked on Logan.
"Hey, you." The words came to him automatically, and the irony of it being the same way he and Max greeted each other wasn't lost on him. He kept his voice soft, soothing, as he eased Alec up to rest against the side of the bath. "Guess the chicken soup didn't agree with you, huh?" Alec made a soft sound, agreement, disagreement or telling him to go to hell. He couldn't make out which. "You going to be sick again?"
This time it seemed to be disagreement, which was something at least. Alec's body was starting to judder again, sliding down the stained side of the bath. Logan grabbed him, pulling him in close, holding him steady. He smoothed his thumbs down gently over Alec's cheeks; they were starting to roughen with stubble and the skin under Alec's eyes looked paper thin. "Well that's something. I got some more milk. Think you can keep it down?"
"Took... took th' rest of tryp... tryptophan. S... sorry."
"Hey, don't worry about it, okay? Alec?" He wouldn't look at Logan, staring at the wall, the faded linoleum, anything but meeting Logan's eyes. It was quite impressive given how hard he was still shaking. "Alec? Alec, honey, that's what it was there for, okay?" The endearment tripped off his tongue without thought, and Alec didn't even twitch at it. He did, however, finally stop avoiding Logan's eyes.
"Is it kicking in, yet?" Alec looked blankly at him; it was an improvement on avoiding looking at him, but Logan could still feel the shudders running through him, all through his body, the skin under Logan's hands almost seeming to vibrate. "Alec, are the seizures getting any better?"
He watched Alec's lips form the word - 'better' - as he thought about it. It took longer for Alec to consider it than Logan was comfortable with, but Alec got there eventually.
"Still... sucks."
"Okay." He didn't smile this time, despite his relief at Alec sounding more like himself. "Sucking less or sucking more?"
Alec didn't even have a chance to answer before he was caught up in another seizure, jittering in Logan's grip. Logan pulled him closer, bracing Alec's body with his own, hands smoothing up and down Alec's back, catching in the damp fabric of his t-shirt.
When it finally eased, Alec didn't pull away. Instead he stayed slumped against Logan, chest heaving with effort. "Hey." Logan stroked his back again. "It's going to get better, okay?"
"Better?" Alec's voice cracked and maybe it wasn't effort that had had his chest heaving. "I fucking p...pissed myself."
That explained the other smell.
"Okay." Logan kept his voice even, tightening his grip on Alec as he tried to pull away, twisting with shame. It was probably a sign of just how bad things had got that Alec, with his supposedly perfect genes, didn't make it. "It's perfectly understandable, Alec. It's a natural side effect of losing control of your muscles. It happens. It's nothing to be ashamed of."
"Nothing -" Alec's voice cracked again, and this time he managed to pull away, falling back against the side of the metal tub with a thud that made Logan wince. "You don't... know... jack... shit."
"Hey. Hey!" He followed, grabbing Alec's face in his hands and this time not letting him pull away again. He'd been right about one thing, even if he'd managed to fuck up the other. Alec's eyes were wet, and he refused to look at Logan, staring straight up at the ceiling so that they wouldn't spill over and humiliate him further. Logan refused to let him get away with it.
"After I got shot, I spent six months with a colostomy bag and a tube up my dick, reliant on other people to tell me when to piss. I know, okay? I get it. I get what it's like when your body lets you down. You're right. It fucking sucks."
Maybe it was the shock of Logan swearing out loud that got Alec looking at him. Maybe what Logan was saying finally got through to him. Logan didn't know, didn't care. He held Alec's gaze, his own unwavering, and didn't let go even when Alec finally did, just used his thumb to matter-of-factly wipe the wetness from Alec's cheek.
"You want to see if the power's stayed on long enough to get the water temp in this dump above freezing? Bath's right there. Got some sweats in the back that should fit you and a quart of milk on the table with your name on it, okay?" After some hesitation, Alec nodded slowly, eyes blinking rapidly as he sniffed, trying so hard to hold it all together that Logan felt that strange, awkward twisting feeling in his chest.
"All right. Stay here. I'll be right back."
He let go slowly, making sure that Alec could stay upright. He did, twisting around to watch Logan get up, his face back to that unreadable mask again. His cheeks were still damp, though, and his eyelashes were clumped together. He didn't speak until Logan was almost out of the door.
"Why...? Why are you...?"
That was the sixty four million dollar question. Logan wasn't sure that he had an answer.
He didn't need one. Alec had already bounced back as far as self-deprecation, probably because he didn't want any more pity. They never did, transgenics.
"Cute boyfriend, right?"
The smile that went along with the joke was shaky but it held a ghost of Alec's normal grin. Give him five more minutes and he'd be making cracks about how he couldn't blame Logan because he was cute as hell. It was amazing, how resilient they all were - Alec and Max in particular.
He snorted, throwing back over his shoulder as he left, "You wish."
It must have been his imagination, but as he left he could have sworn that he heard a softly spoken, "Yeah," following in his wake.
---
I'm not crazy, I'm just a little impaired
I know, right now you don't care
---
The water was not much more than tepid but Alec didn't complain. Logan suspected that he would have done if he'd been well, but then if he'd been well, Logan wouldn't be sitting next to the bath, running a cloth gently over his back.
They were obviously well into the land of surreal, and most surreal of all, Alec wasn't protesting, cracking jokes or smirking. He also wasn't seizing and for that alone Logan would be grateful.
It was strange, missing Smart Alec and his smart mouth. Until today, Logan wouldn't have thought that was possible.
"Tryptophan seems to have kicked in."
"Yeah." Alec didn't say anything else, just staring down at his hands as he dribbled water through the gaps between his fingers.
"How are you feeling?"
Alec shrugged, not looking at him. "Like something the cat dragged in."
"Funny guy." He lifted the cloth again, letting water trail down over Alec's shoulder, along his arm. "Looks like Max was right." At Alec's look, he added, "About it taking six hours or so to hit the worst."
"Yeah." Alec stirred the bubbles with his fingers again, seeming fascinated. "Tell you something."
"What's that?" Across Alec's back and over the other shoulder; there was a soothing rhythm to it, almost as soothing as Alec's chattering, which might not have been approaching its usual level but was making Logan feel better anyway.
"Not giving Max my meds anymore. She can get her own."
"You don't mean that." Down over the back, following the curve of Alec's spine.
"Yes, I do. This sucks and I don't love Max that much."
Now that was the usual Alec, letting his mouth run away with him and getting into trouble. Logan froze, water running down his fingers and arm. He wasn't the only one - it took a second for Alec to realise what he'd said but when he did this time the look he gave Logan was one of mingled misery and shame.
After a beat, Logan forced his hand to move again. He couldn't meet Alec's eyes, didn't want to see the apology in them. There would be one, he knew, and it would be genuine - for Alec. Alec had been able to say 'sorry' from the first, and mean it, while Max still struggled with the word. But then Max learnt from her mistakes and didn't repeat them. Alec seemed to spend his life flinging himself from one disaster to another. Today was just another case in point.
"Yes, you do," he said quietly. "We both know that."
Alec shrugged, looking uncomfortable. It was weird, that he could sit in this bath, naked and totally unselfconscious, but be embarrassed and wrong-footed by the turn the conversation had taken, like he was comfortable in his own skin but not comfortable in his own head. Logan could spend his whole life trying to figure Alec out and, he suspected, fail. He hadn't managed to figure Max out, after all.
He could watch Alec now that Alec had turned away, clearing his throat as he did so. Still awkward, and that wasn't a good look for Alec, probably because it wasn't one he wore very often. All Logan could see now was the curve of Alec's cheek, the gleam of one eye, half hidden by those long eyelashes that curled down. Alec's mouth was pulled tight, crooked at the edges. He was chewing on his lip, the way that he always did when he was lost in thought or worried, and Logan wondered when he'd learnt that much about Alec and his tells. He'd say his interest was purely down to self-preservation, but he was beginning to realise that it would be yet another lie, and he was sick of little white lies told to make everything easier.
"I'd give her half," Alec admitted finally. He shrugged again, but glanced back over his shoulder at Logan as he did so, adding, "Guess I should be grateful that Joshua doesn't get seizures if I'm going to have to share with all of my friends."
'Friends.' Alec's face was carefully blank and his eyes - far too large to be anything but pretty - were watching Logan carefully. He held Logan's gaze for long moments then gave him another fleeting smile before turning his attention back to the bubbles, pushing them around the tub like he hadn't a care in the world.
Logan wasn't fooled. He watched, soundlessly, as Alec occupied himself with making the same kind of shapes that Logan remembered making as a child.
"You don't have to stay with me, you know," Alec said suddenly. His face stayed turned away, watching what his hands were doing. "Not that I'm not grateful." He finally gave up the act and let his hands fall back into the water, sending another one of those awkward smiles in Logan's direction.
Logan sat back on his heels, caught out. He watched what little he could see of Alec's face for a moment, searching for something to say that wouldn't sound trite or cruel. He settled on a cautious, "What if you have another seizure?"
He got another one of Alec's meaningless shrugs in reply. "I'm transgenic, remember? I can hold my breath underwater for seventeen minutes and forty three seconds."
"That's... a lot."
Alec smiled again, one of those quick quirks of the mouth of his that were as much of a mask as anything else. "There are ordinaries - ordinary humans," he corrected himself quickly, "who can hold it for ten."
"You don't say," Logan said dryly. He folded the cloth, hanging it over the side of the tub and made himself comfortable on the floor next to it.
"Free divers," Alec elaborated, as though he'd been fooled into thinking that Logan gave a damn. "We genetically empowered have to be able to hold it for fifteen."
"And if you can't?" The question was an idle one, a way to mark time while he tried to figure out what else was going on in Alec's head, what this conversation was supposed to hide. He should have known better.
"We drown." It was said flatly, without any inflection. "Want to know how I got to seventeen minutes and forty three seconds?"
He didn't. He really didn't but found himself nodding numbly anyway.
Alec's smile held no amusement and his eyes held Logan's, wouldn't let him look away. His voice was gentle, and that just made what came next so much worse. "There was a problem and they couldn't get me out of the tank any earlier."
Logan didn't back down, meeting Alec's gaze steadily. Once again it was Alec who looked away first, his shoulders slumping and his attitude slipping away.
"Sorry." It sounded as genuine as it always did. "It's just..." Alec gestured with his hands, a lost little move that somehow managed to convey what he meant anyway. "When the serotonin levels drop, it's not just the seizures, you know? I'm a little emo." He wiped his hands tiredly over his face and back through his hair, leaving bubbles in their wake. It should have looked ridiculous. It didn't, not with the emptiness in Alec's eyes underneath.
"It's understandable that you'd be a little... under the weather." The words were neutral, but Alec's face twisted anyway.
"Everything's understandable with you, isn't it, Logan?"
"Would you rather I didn't understand?"
"Honestly? I don't have a fucking clue."
Logan waited for a moment to see if Alec would volunteer anything else. He didn't, just sat there, looking wretched, until Logan couldn't take it anymore. He leant forward and placed his hand on the back of Alec's neck, stroking his thumb lightly over the nape.
"I understand that too."
It took a second for Alec to catch on, to look sideways and catch the small smile that Logan wasn't trying very hard to hide, and then he scowled, pulling up his shoulders in an attempt to dislodge Logan's hand. It didn't work - Logan had learned 'stubborn' along with everything else, although he'd already had a firm foundation to build that on.
"Funny guy," Alec muttered, splashing at the bubbles still left. His bottom lip was sticking out, petulant, another sudden mood swing.
"I learnt from the best." Logan kept it light, backing away from the things he didn't want to talk about, like the other myriad ways that Alec had suffered while Logan himself had had the luxury of a wealthy, playboy lifestyle before the pulse had finally rubbed his face in those things he simply hadn't seen before. "Come on. You might not drown but you'll probably shrink."
"Ha. Ha."
He shook Alec's neck gently, aiming for a 'buddy' vibe. He missed it, his concern for the transgenic confusing everything; when he pulled his hand away, his fingers trailed over Alec's skin, tingling where they touched.
Alec didn't say anything; he was still staring down into the water, more subdued now. The shadows under his eyes spoke volume and, if Logan had had his wits about him, he might have realised just how drained Alec was before the mood swings - hyper to morose and back again - finally clued him in. Even now, Alec wasn't making an effort to get out of the bath, his head drooping and strands of damp hair sticking to his pale cheeks.
Finally, Logan decided that it would be easiest to simply pull out the plug and let the water drain out first instead of trying to wrestle a slick and naked Alec out of the water. Even then, his hands seemed to have a mind of his own, sliding over Alec's ankle bone as he pulled back.
He sat back on his heels, flushing, and pushed his glasses back up his nose, fighting the sudden urge to flee. This time he lost, stubbornness no match for this level of surreal.
"I'll get you something to wear. Be right back, okay?"
It took a second for Alec to drag his eyes back up, nod. Logan paused for a moment wanting... something. Nothing. To get away from Alec and that dead look and everything that it caused to twist in Logan's chest and low in his belly.
He gave up, staging a strategic retreat, knowing that for the moment he was beaten, even if he still hadn't figured out by what.
---
But soon enough you're gonna think of me
And how I used to be
---
Alec had made it out of the tub when he got back; he'd put the seat down on the toilet and was sitting there, a towel wrapped around his waist, but that seemed to have been as much progress as he'd been able to make. He hadn't managed to dry off properly; there were still water droplets on his chest and his hair curled damply around his ears.
"Hey." Alec turned his head to look at him, looking dog tired and beaten himself. "I got you clothes." He held them out awkwardly, for some reason reluctant to close those last few inches. "The pants might be a little long in the leg."
It was a stupid thing to say. He had a couple of inches on Alec but it wasn't that noticeable. He had the feeling, though, that at the moment he could tell Alec that the moon was populated by bright blue singing fishes and get that selfsame nod in reply.
He looked away as Alec dressed, figuring he owed Alec that nod to dignity at least. He doubted it mattered to Alec - he seemed as unselfconscious about nudity out of the tub as he'd been in it - but Logan needed that anyway, too worried... about what, he didn't want to examine too closely. So he waited until he was sure Alec was fully dressed before he turned around again.
The pants were a little loose, Alec being narrower around the hips and waist. They hung low on his hips, and the length meant that Alec's toes poked out of the bottom, looking oddly vulnerable, not a word that Logan had ever connected to the transgenic. Alec was broader in the shoulders too, the fabric stretching to accommodate his different body shape, clinging where Alec's skin was still damp. Logan had to force himself not to stare, no longer able to fool himself that it was concern that had him reluctant to take his eyes off the transgenic.
Manticore had made them pretty and Logan was only human. All too human. It was just a blessing that Alec was too spaced out to notice. He was sitting back down on the toilet lid, staring down at where his hands hung between his knees.
"Bed?"
It came out sounding like an offer and he cringed. Perhaps he was just being hypersensitive - he hoped - and Alec wouldn't pick up on it. Not that it was like Alec to let a double entendre pass by without comment.
"What did your friend Sung have to say?"
Except today.
Logan started to frown, the protest coming automatically. "I don't really think we need to talk about this now -"
"I do." Alec didn't look up. "It's kind of important."
He opened his mouth, arguments already tripping through his brain, and then closed it with a snap. Alec was right - this was important, and not just for Alec. That was another thing that had changed when he hadn't been looking, Alec's newfound sense of responsibility, and Logan couldn't - wouldn't - deny him it.
"He came through. We were right - the sector police caught up with your friend, Dmitri. Apparently, he was peddling drugs - the really illegal kind. Coke, heroin. Andy." Alec didn't even twitch, and after a second, Logan went on. "Offered them a deal. Said he knew where they could catch a real, live transgenic."
"Well, that's Dmitri. Stand up kind of guy. I'm sure that the cops were suitably grateful for his publicly spirited gesture." That was rich, given how Alec had probably made Dmitri's acquaintance. Logan let it slide without comment.
"Full immunity from prosecution if he came through."
"Of course." Now Alec did look up from his fingernails, giving him a rueful smile. "Our friendly, neighbourhood law enforcement agencies need to focus their efforts on the real criminals."
Logan couldn't resist a moment of smugness, putting his hands in his pockets and rocking back on his heels. "You'll be pleased to know that the cops don't consider that Dmitri came through for them. At the moment, he's cooling his heels in a lock up downtown."
Alec snorted. "So much for being a fine upstanding citizen. And the tryptophan?"
"He had it and the police seized it."
That got Alec's attention, the tension in his body easing. He kept his eyes focused on Logan's face as he asked tersely, "And?"
"This is the best part. You were right - selling tryptophan hasn't been illegal since the turn of the century. The FDA banned in for a while back in the 1990s - there was some research that suggested it was responsible for users developing an auto-immune condition." Alec rolled his eyes and Logan, for once more amused than irritated by his attitude, cut to the chase. "Importing it, however, is still a big no no."
"And Dmitri imported it?"
"He did."
"Meaning?"
"Meaning Customs currently have it. More precisely, Customs have it in a warehouse by the docks. And since it's not considered an illegal substance..."
Alec perked up. "They're not storing it in a high security depot?"
"They're storing it with tractor parts." Logan watched as Alec's face grew slack with relief, before adding, "God bless sector cops and their short-sightedness. Once Dmitri started talking, they were so keen at the chance of putting one over on the military and capturing a transgenic, they stopped asking salient questions. Apparently it never occurred to them to wonder why Dmitri was importing it, or why you would want it."
Alec sagged back, hands lax on his knees. "I doubt the military clued them into that particular genetic quirk of ours."
"You're probably right," Logan conceded, watching him carefully. "God bless interagency rivalry then. Matt said there's some bad blood - the sector cops don't appreciate the military coming in and imposing the blockade when it just creates more work for them and they're already overstretched as it is. And somehow it's always the cops who pick up the can when people complain about why the situation with TC hasn't been resolved yet. The chance to get one over on the military, score a publicity coup, must have been too tempting to pass up and they got careless. Here's hoping that they'll never change."
Alec snorted again. His face was grey, drained, and once again Logan found himself announcing, "Bed." This time it came out better, he thought. More friendly than... whatever it had been before. He added, for good measure, "I'll call TC. Let them know what info I've got, okay? It'll be okay, Alec. You're all resourceful enough to figure something out." The words were more patronising than he intended, and he cringed internally, still expecting Alec to pick that up and rip him a new one - or at least, do so in Alec's unique way, which involved a few pointed remarks and a healthy amount of mocking.
Alec stayed quiet, his eyes watching Logan closely. In the end, Logan had to hold out his hand, Alec eyeing it, confused for a second, until it clicked and he let Logan pull him to his feet. He staggered slightly, and Logan ended up catching him, pulling him close so that he could steady the both of them.
"Sorry," Alec mumbled. He didn't pull away, and what little colour there had been in his face faded away.
"It's okay. Just... let me..." He didn't elaborate, not even sure what he was trying to say.
"Tired," Alec admitted. It was a hell of a big admission for a transgenic, even if it was also obvious. They never showed any weakness, not if they could help it, which was something it had taken Logan some time to figure it out. That reluctance wasn't down to any misplaced sense of bravado - he hadn't needed Alec's story about drowning to figure out just how fucked up their upbringing had been, even if that revelation had underlined and bolded it. Any weakness, any flaw, was potentially a death warrant.
"Okay, let's get you to bed then."
"Gonna tuck me in?" It was probably intended to be a standard Alec smart remark, but it sounded more like a plea to Logan. Maybe that was wishful thinking, but Alec didn't protest as Logan steered him into the spare room, settling him down on the bed.
"Are you going to be okay?" he asked, peering into Alec's face to make damned sure that there could be no prevarication, no bravado. "Alec? Honey?" Again the endearment tripped easily across his tongue. It was something that Eyes Only usually reserved for the young and the vulnerable, and God knew Alec currently fit both of those criteria.
Alec met his gaze steadily. "When did you figure it out?"
The question threw Logan; he genuinely had no idea what Alec was asking about, failing to keep up with the twists and turns of that genetically engineered and more than a little devious brain.
"Huh?"
Alec glanced away for a split second before looking back, the look in his eyes even more intense. "Me and Max. When did you figure it out? You have figured it out, right?"
He didn't answer at first, still caught off guard at the question and struggling to keep up, wondering why the hell Alec brought this up now - what had made him bring it up at all. By the time he finally came up with something to say, Alec was back to biting his lip, and the look in his eyes had changed to nervous, a little lost.
"I... It took me a while, but, yes. I figured it out. Why didn't you say something?"
Alec shrugged, looked away again, still chewing on his lip. "Wouldn't help, would it?" His voice was gravelled, rough with exhaustion and something else. "I tried, but you were being so noble, talking about what Max needed and how it wasn't you." It stung and Logan felt his face freeze. Alec didn't seem to notice. He huffed out, but there was no amusement in it; just exasperation and maybe a little pain. "If I'd told you then, I'd still have been the bad guy, just for a whole different reason."
There was nothing for Logan to say except, "I'm sorry." Sorry for what, he wasn't quite sure yet.
"I told Max I wasn't going to be the bad guy, the jerk who stole another guy's girl."
Ouch. Logan winced again. "If it's any consolation, that wasn't what she told me. She didn't tell me at all. I saw you leaving that morning, jumped to the wrong conclusion and she just... didn't correct me. We... we'd been growing apart for a while and she'd already ended it. I just didn't want to let go."
Alec nodded seriously, still watching his face. It was an uncomfortable feeling, being this honest with Alec of all people.
"She was scared," Alec explained, as if Logan needed any more explanation. "She was right to be. After what happened to Annie, with the virus... No one wants to see you die, Logan. Not Max. Not anybody."
Not Alec went without saying. Logan had got that now.
"I know." He hesitated. Maybe it was because they were being honest, or maybe it was as petty as not wanting to be the only one who felt off-balance, but he added, "Can I ask you something?"
Alec didn't nod, but he didn't shake his head either. Instead he just kept on watching Logan steadily, eyes tracking between Logan's.
"Did you know? When you helped Max escape? About the virus?"
Alec still held his gaze and he was grateful for that, that Alec was taking this seriously enough to either be honest or lie looking him straight in the eye. "No." He shrugged one shoulder, still not looking away. "Manticore wasn't exactly big on keeping us in the picture. I was told to help Max escape and then I was told to go and bring her back. That was the first time Renfro filled me in about the virus. There was no need to tell me before then."
"Would it have made any difference?" Logan asked softly. "If she'd told you before?"
Alec didn't hesitate, just shook his head, eyes never leaving Logan's face. "Not then, no." His tone was that awful gentle one, the one that said this was the way life was and it sucked. "I couldn't go back to Psy-Ops, Logan."
It had to be masochism that had Logan pushing it, asking, "And now?"
This time Alec looked away. He kept his voice gentle, but somehow it stung worse than if he'd been harsh. "They'd have killed me. They would have taken me apart to figure out what went wrong, why I disobeyed orders again, but they wouldn't have put me back together. They couldn't have risked putting me back in the field, not a fourth time. My life, or you and Max being able to touch. Go back to having a 'not like that' relationship where you waste a year and don't even..."
He bit off the last few words, fingers twisting tightly in the sheet he was sitting on. After a few seconds, he relaxed his grip, smoothing out the creases rather than looking up at Logan.
"I don't know," he admitted. "But I don't think so. I'm sorry if that's not what you want to hear."
It wasn't but he'd asked. Now he just had to bear it. And put like that - Alec's life balanced against being able to touch Max, hold her... he wasn't sure that he'd decide any differently.
Max hadn't. Given a choice between a cure or watching Alec's head explode, she'd chosen Alec. For the first time, Logan didn't blame her. Or Alec.
"You should get some sleep," he said. "I'm sorry. I shouldn't... I shouldn't have asked." It was hard, but he managed to muster up a smile for Alec, trying to be gracious even now, or maybe really trying to apologise rather than smoothing things over.
"Can I ask you something now? Since we're in a sharing mood and all." There was something diffident in Alec's tone, and that caught his attention. Alec and diffident weren't two words that went together.
After a moment's thought, he settled on a cautious, "Sure."
"Is that why you made the 'cute boyfriend' comment to Max? Because you'd already figured out that I'm not? Her boyfriend, I mean?"
Okay, that question had come out of left field. Logan shut his mouth with a snap, ignoring the gleam that had appeared in Alec's eye. "Um... I guess," he finally admitted.
"Huh."
He wasn't going to ask. He wasn't.
"Huh? Why else...?"
That gleam in Alec's eye broadened. "I thought maybe you just thought I was cute," he deadpanned.
"Funny."
Alec tilted his head to one side, watching him. "You don't think I'm cute?" He pouted. Only a little pout but a pout nonetheless.
"I see you're feeling better," Logan answered dryly, trying to steer the conversation back from Surrealsville. "Bed."
That probably wasn't the way to do it. Alec cracked a grin, one that edged into delighted, and Logan had to close his eyes, embarrassed.
"Well, if you insist, Logan..."
He sighed, at a loss as to how to deal with Alec's mercurial mood swings, although he'd never had any idea that they would swing in this direction. He was reduced to scrubbing tiredly at his eyes, his glasses bumping up against his forehead, before saying, "Alec..."
Alec's fingers were back to twisting in the sheets, and his head was bowed. When he spoke again, it was muffled and soft, almost tentative, if Alec could ever be tentative.
"You know... if you wanted to... we could. Not like I'd be stealing Max's guy, right? Not now you've called it a day."
His expression, when he looked up, peering at Logan from beneath the hair that fell across his forehead, was half-hopeful and half fearful, at least under the normal bravado that this time couldn't quite mask it. Logan could only stare at him, his mind blank, and Alec's smile faded a little, the bravado not carrying him through. "I mean, if you want. No big."
No big. Jesus. This was an Alec that he had no idea how to deal with.
"I... I thought you liked girls."
Smooth. Very, very smooth.
Alec was looking at him like he was crazy and Logan wasn't convinced that he was wrong. "I do like girls, Logan." He spoke very slowly, as though that would somehow help. "I like... people."
"People?"
"People."
"Okay." People. Jesus. "Alec... Look, it's been a long night, and given what you've been through I can understand that you might be feeling a little..." He couldn't even think of the word, not when Alec was just sitting there, in a too tight t-shirt, looking wan and washed out, any hope evaporated from his face leaving nothing but blankness behind. Logan persevered. "A little overemotional. And I've been here for you, and it's understandable that under those circumstanced you'd end up feeling a little..."
"You think I'm asking if you want to fuck me because I'm grateful? Because I owe you?" Alec's voice was flat; hard and empty. "Is that how you think I settle my debts? Because I don't settle them on my back." When he put it like that, Logan couldn't blame him for being pissed. "I'll say it again, Logan. You understand jack shit."
"Alec..."
"If you're not into guys, just say so. If you're not into me, just say so. I'm a big boy. I can take it." His voice cracked - exhaustion, emotion or both. "But don't tell me that I don't get to make my own decisions about who I fuck. Or that I'm doing it because... I don't know. You've got some whacked out ideas about me and how I view the world. Manticore's gone and I don't have to do anything I don't want to do. Not anymore."
Logan stared at him, speechless, until Alec finally shut up, slumping back and glaring at him petulantly.
"Okay..."
Alec's scowl deepened.
"I wasn't trying to imply..."
Oh, this just wasn't fair. Alec had gone from glaring at him to folding his arms and watching him over them, raising one eyebrow when Logan stuttered to a stop, his hands flapping helplessly. A smirk couldn't be very far behind, although so far Alec was resisting, probably because that made it just that little bit worse for Logan, rubbing it in just a bit harder by keeping the moral high ground.
But it also meant that Alec was segueing back to playful. His black moods - the ones that Logan had seen - never seemed to last long before his outward sunny demeanour reasserted itself, and after this evening Logan couldn't really complain about it, whether it was an act or not. The sheer relief of Alec not dying on his couch was making him playful too.
"I just prefer my partners conscious," he deadpanned. "It's a thing."
Alec spluttered with laughter and, God, Logan was glad to see it. His own mouth turned up in an involuntary answering smile. "Hey, look," he said, intending to suggest again that Alec get some sleep. He didn't get a chance. Alec's hands came up to cup his face, thumbs stroking over his cheekbones the way that Logan's had stroked over Alec's face earlier.
He expected Alec to be rough, forceful. He couldn't have been more wrong. Alec's mouth on his was soft, questioning, giving him every opportunity to pull back. Or to push forward.
Alec's lips parted for him, Alec pressing forward and making a soft sound deep in his throat. He tasted faintly of mint; at some point he must have used Logan's toothbrush. Logan couldn't complain about that, not really. Not when Alec's mouth was wet and warm and Alec's lips moved perfectly under his.
Alec might have been able to hold his breath for seventeen minutes, but Logan couldn't, especially not when his heart was pounding like this, rushing the blood around his body. He pulled back before he grew light-headed, panting for breath. His hands were gripping Alec's biceps, the muscles hard under his palm, and Alec's eyes were blown wide, pupils dilated and surrounded by that thin sliver of green. He was shaking again, but this time Logan didn't think that it had anything to do with brain chemistry. Just chemistry.
He swallowed, his throat dry and his lips tingling. "I think..." Alec was still watching him, his gaze tracking back and forth between Logan's mouth and eyes. Logan squeezed his eyes tightly shut, told his libido to take a hike.
For once it listened.
"I think you should get some sleep. I'll..." He swallowed, forcing himself to ease his hold on Alec's arms but letting his hands slide up and down Alec's skin, trying to keep it soothing and reassuring. "I'll wake you up in the morning, okay?"
He didn't get an answer, Alec simply watching him, his face settled back into that opaque mask. After a second or two, he moved up the bed, pulling the covers up and sliding underneath them.
Logan backed out of the room, switching off the light. Alec's eyes gleamed back at him, reflecting the light from the hallway outside, before they slid shut, and Logan was finally able to leave.
He let his head fall against the wall outside, his palms sweaty until he rubbed them on his pants' legs. He had no idea what the hell had just happened. Had no idea whether he wanted it to happen again.
It took him several minutes to pull himself together. When he headed back into the main room and the comfort of his terminal, he couldn't resist looking back in on Alec.
The covers were rising and falling steadily, Alec already lost to sleep.
Logan envied him that.
---
If I could go back
Would you have ever been with me
---
He wasn't surprised when something woke him in the early hours of the morning. It was still dark outside, but at some point Alec had switched the hall light on, left it on and left the door open. It was a concession to him, he knew. Alec was perfectly capable of seeing in the dark.
The light was enough to see Alec, perched on his bed, watching him. It should have been creepy, but he'd experienced enough of Max's quirks by now not to be phased by it. Not that Max had been in the habit of sneaking into his bedroom in the middle of the night. Into his apartment, yes, but she'd skirted around his bedroom like entering it meant crossing a line she hadn't been ready to.
He sat up, scrabbling on the bedside table for his glasses. He could see Alec a little better with them on, although he couldn't make out Alec's expression, just the gleam of his eye where it caught the light.
"Everything okay?"
Alec nodded, head tilted towards him, watching him.
Logan ran his hands through his hair, pushing it back from his face, and sat up with a soft groan. The muscles of his back tended to stiffen up when he slept - transgenic blood wasn't a cure all, but a little stiffness now and then beat not walking at all.
Alec waited until he was sitting upright before offering, "I used your computer, called TC." Of course he had, and it wouldn't have occurred to Alec to ask first. Something of that must have shown on his face, because Alec added, "I didn't look at anything else in case you were wondering. Just wanted to check in, see whether we had a plan yet." Alec probably thought that was another concession, not to snoop.
"And do you?"
Alec nodded again, his head ducking and one hand coming up to scratch at the back of his neck. It was another trademark move of Alec's and Logan wondered whether he realised that his hand automatically came to rest across his barcode when he did so.
"I'm going to leave when it starts getting light. Mingle with the six a.m. crowd on the way to work. There's a checkpoint not far from here where they're not exactly hot on checking IDs, and they don't have thermal imagers yet." He shrugged, outlined by the light behind him. His face was still half turned towards Logan, and his teeth caught the light when he smiled. "Beats climbing fences, I guess, although that's always an option if things go south."
"It's not light yet," Logan said evenly.
"No." Alec's head tilted back in his direction and Logan didn't have to see his face to be able to picture the searching look that would be there. "Dawn's another hour or so away."
"Okay. How are you doing?"
In answer, Alec held up his hand, holding it straight out, palm down. It stayed rock steady.
"Well, that's an improvement. I'm glad to see you're doing okay."
"I drank the rest of your milk."
Logan frowned, pushing his glasses up his nose with his fingers and struggling to focus on Alec through them. "You started to seize again?"
"No," said Alec. "I was just thirsty."
Logan let out a snort of laughter. "I'm glad to see you've got your sense of humour back," he said.
"Never lost it," Alec replied lightly. "Want to fool around?"
"Well... that's straight to the point."
"You can fuck me if you want."
He choked, coughing while Alec grinned at him, head to the side and eyes gleaming with amusement.
"Too much to the point, huh?"
"You... you are incorrigible."
"Incorrigible. I like the sound of that. Is that a yes?"
"That's a 'you're going to be the death of me'."
"But what a way to go."
This was the Alec he knew and... well, he guessed he liked well enough, although he didn't know whether that was because he'd caught a glimpse of the Alec underneath, colouring his perceptions, and his usual irritation would reassert itself when he had to go back do dealing with Alec's normal, annoying smart ass persona. At the moment, though, it was beyond good to see him back to his regular 'incorrigible' self. Life without Alec would be boring indeed, he was beginning to realise, no matter how he categorised his feelings towards the transgenic.
Alec was obviously tired of waiting for him to make up his mind.
"Look, Logan. You and Max are over - you've both told me that. I don't think you're seeing anyone else -"
"What makes you think that?" He intended to throw Alec off-balance, but Alec didn't even pause.
"One toothbrush in the bathroom, you have nothing that passes for a social life and Asha is now seeing Sketchy." Logan couldn't decide what was worse - Alec counting the reasons off one by one on his fingers or the fact that he gave Logan what was supposed to be a winning smile when he finished. It might even have been the fact that he was right, on all counts. Except...
"Sketchy?"
"Yeah, I know. Way I figure it, she knew that nothing would ever compare with me so didn't even try."
"You. And Asha?"
"Not quite," said Alec mournfully. "But almost. She fell asleep. That isn't, by the way, an indictment of my skills in the sack. She'd had a bit to drink and you ordinaries, you just can't handle your booze." He paused thoughtfully, scratching at the back of his neck again. "Although I suppose that could be seen as an indictment of my pulling skills."
"Incorrigible," muttered Logan, enthralled in spite of himself.
"I could be incorrigible and naked," Alec tempted. He gave another one of those supposedly winning smiles. Logan - God help him - was starting to warm to them.
He shouldn't succumb. He shouldn't. It was a bad idea on so many counts, not least of which was Alec himself and the havoc he wrecked in his wake.
"Alec..."
"Naked, Logan."
He laughed. He couldn't help it. He'd taken up permanent residence in Surrealsville, population two - three if he counted his dick, which was now reminding him of the fact that Alec had been bang on target about his lack of social life.
"Incorrigible," he murmured again and Alec, sensing victory, smiled.
"Incorrigible and naked." He cocked his head temptingly but now that Logan's eyes had adjusted to the lack of light, he could see that Alec's eyes were as watchful as always, anticipating rejection, his brow lightly furrowed as he calculated the odds, worked out which scenario got him out, skin - and heart - intact.
It was that, not Alec's attempts at sweet talk, that clinched the deal. He said nothing, but slid sideways in the bed, leaving a space for Alec next to him.
Alec didn't need to be invited twice, whether that invitation was wordless or not.
He was warm and solid and still kissed like an angel, surprisingly sweet and non-aggressive. His skin was smooth under Logan's fingers when they slid underneath Alec's shirt and mapped out the contours of his body. There were no scars - not with his stem cells and ability to heal - nothing to show the road he'd travelled.
His scent was a little muskier than the few men that Logan had experimented with in college, and his sweat a little sweeter when Logan lapped it from the hollow of his throat, but the sounds he made when Logan bit at his Adam's apple were just as pleasured and his fingers just as strong as they stroked over Logan's dick.
It didn't surprise him that Alec was a tease, bringing him to the edge and easing him back down again before he could come. It also didn't surprise him that Alec was focused, watching and cataloguing all of Logan's reactions - what he liked and what did nothing for him - with fascination. It would all be filed somewhere in that extraordinary brain, accessible with perfect recall, and later he'd worry about it. Later, when Alec's hand had stopped jerking him off, when Alec finally let him come.
He couldn't bring himself to fuck Alec, not this time and when he had the luxury later he knew that he'd worry about thinking of this brief fling with madness as 'this time'. It was too personal, too intense, more than he thought he could cope with. Didn't want to give Alec something he'd never given Max, no matter how selfish that was. Instead, he used his hands, touching Alec, learning Alec and Alec loved it, arching into each stroke, each feather light touch, like an affection starved cat.
It was probably an apt comparison, but Logan didn't want to think about that either.
When Alec came, his eyes were wide and green and open, no masks, not this time. He was beautiful and defenceless and - for one brief, perfect moment - Logan's. Logan could only look away, burying his face in Alec's hair so that he couldn't see it any longer and pretending that he'd intended to kiss Alec there the whole time.
It turned out that there was a practical use for being able to hold your breath for seventeen minutes, even out of Manticore. But he still wasn't surprised when he woke from a doze and Alec was gone and hadn't left a note.
---
We're getting off track
And I want to get you back again
---
There was no note three days later, when he came home with a meet from an informant to find a fresh quart of milk in the fridge and a small brown bottle on the table, filled with white pills. Logan wasn't stupid - he got the message.
Debt repaid in full.
He poured the milk down the sink but kept the pill bottle, shoving it to the back of the medicine cabinet where it was out of sight, out of mind.
Just in case.
---
Be my savior
And I'll be your downfall
---
The End
Author:
alysePairing: Alec/Logan
Word Count: ~17,600
Rating: Hard R (for non-explicit sex)
Warning: None
Spoilers: Set post Season 2
Disclaimer: I don't own Dark Angel or its characters. I'm just borrowing them and will put them back, possibly a little more worn than they were before.
Author's notes: Written for
feline_feral for the Summer jam_pony_fic Ficathon. Prompt used was Alec having seizures and Logan helping him through it.. Lyrics quoted are from either Downfall or Unwell, both by Matchbox Twenty. They fit.Thanks to
davechicken for the quick and dirty beta that enabled me to - just - slip it under the wire. ::smooch::Summary: Logan had grown used to the quiet in the evenings, but that was before he took a sharp left into Surrealsville, population two.
---
Part 1 of 2
---
I wonder how you sleep
I wonder what you think of me
---
Over the years, Logan had cultivated many sources for Eyes Only, some reliable, some not. Some of them lived their lives in the grey, existing just below the radar, scraping by day by day in ways that sometimes pushed the boundaries of what was legal and sometimes crossed them completely. Some - the rarer ones, like Matt Sung - spent their lives trying to uphold the laws of the land.
Matt had helped Eyes Only out innumerable times as he'd grown from a raw novice cop on the streets, burning at the injustices he saw around him, to a seasoned detective, one who had finally come to terms with the fact that what was legal was not always just, and what was just was not always legal.
Logan owed him more than the man would ever suspect. Matt had never made the connection that Logan Cale and Eyes Only were one and the same, treating Logan as a fellow informant/member of the Eyes Only network, so Matt would never get that, and somehow thanks expressed as 'I'm sure Eyes Only will be grateful' never seemed to be enough.
After tonight Logan owed him even more. Matt would never get to know that either. Even so, Logan was considerably more optimistic as he headed up the porch steps into the house. That would have to be thanks enough.
Alec wasn't where he'd left him. The sofa was empty and the throw was lying discarded on the floor in a crumpled heap. The bottle of tryptophan lay on its side on the table, empty. The gun was next to it, where Logan had left it. He wanted to take that as a good sign, but he still picked it up on his way past, checking to make sure that it was still loaded as he moved through to the kitchen.
Alec had been in there at some point. The carton of milk Logan had left for him was empty on the table, a dirty glass in the sink. There was a bowl too - it seemed that Alec had found the chicken soup. Logan had picked up another carton of milk on his way back; he put it on the table next to the empty one and kept moving. There was no sign of a struggle, but he supposed that it was possible that Alec was feeling better and had left the same way that he'd arrived. He couldn't shake the nagging feeling that that was too easy. Apart from the fact that Max had suggested that there was worse to come, Alec had picked up enough of the social niceties by now to have at least left Logan a note. He thought.
As he continued through the house - checking out the hall, bedroom, study methodically and in order - the nagging feeling grew until even Logan was willing to admit that it was now full blown worry. He couldn't help but picture Alec the way he'd been in the basement - shaking and uncoordinated, face drawn and eyes scared. It was the fear that stayed with him now. He'd never seen Alec scared before and he knew now that he never wanted to see it again. Not even Alec deserved that.
He picked up the pace, his heart beginning to race. Second bedroom, bathroom...
Alec was curled up on the bathroom floor, shivering uncontrollably. He was still conscious, eyes focusing on Logan desperately as another spasm shook his body.
"Oh, Jesus, Alec."
He fell to his knees on the floor next to Alec's head, hands once again hovering ineffectually. He still had the gun in his hand; Alec's gaze switched from his face to it, watching it with the same desperation. Again, Logan had no idea what was going through Alec's head, but the fear was still clear in Alec's eyes and it turned Logan's stomach, brought acid up into his throat.
He put the gun down on the floor, Alec's eyes tracking it all the way, and pushed it across the linoleum, hoping that out of sight, out of mind would apply.
There was a sour smell in the air, vomit and something riper, more unpleasant. It didn't take him long to realise that Alec had made it to the bathroom just in time to throw up, and his nose crinkled with a mixture of pity and distaste. He made sure that was the only reaction he showed, not wanting to make things any worse for Alec than he needed to. If Alec was anything like Max - and they were more alike than he'd wanted to admit at first - he'd never ever want Logan, or anyone else for that matter, to see him weak, vulnerable.
Not pride, not for transgenics. Survival instinct. He got that now.
He caught Alec's head before it impacted with the toilet pedestal, pulling him forward so that it wouldn't happen again. It was easy to slide him over the linoleum; he seemed a hell of a lot lighter now, less solid. And still his eyes were locked on Logan.
"Hey, you." The words came to him automatically, and the irony of it being the same way he and Max greeted each other wasn't lost on him. He kept his voice soft, soothing, as he eased Alec up to rest against the side of the bath. "Guess the chicken soup didn't agree with you, huh?" Alec made a soft sound, agreement, disagreement or telling him to go to hell. He couldn't make out which. "You going to be sick again?"
This time it seemed to be disagreement, which was something at least. Alec's body was starting to judder again, sliding down the stained side of the bath. Logan grabbed him, pulling him in close, holding him steady. He smoothed his thumbs down gently over Alec's cheeks; they were starting to roughen with stubble and the skin under Alec's eyes looked paper thin. "Well that's something. I got some more milk. Think you can keep it down?"
"Took... took th' rest of tryp... tryptophan. S... sorry."
"Hey, don't worry about it, okay? Alec?" He wouldn't look at Logan, staring at the wall, the faded linoleum, anything but meeting Logan's eyes. It was quite impressive given how hard he was still shaking. "Alec? Alec, honey, that's what it was there for, okay?" The endearment tripped off his tongue without thought, and Alec didn't even twitch at it. He did, however, finally stop avoiding Logan's eyes.
"Is it kicking in, yet?" Alec looked blankly at him; it was an improvement on avoiding looking at him, but Logan could still feel the shudders running through him, all through his body, the skin under Logan's hands almost seeming to vibrate. "Alec, are the seizures getting any better?"
He watched Alec's lips form the word - 'better' - as he thought about it. It took longer for Alec to consider it than Logan was comfortable with, but Alec got there eventually.
"Still... sucks."
"Okay." He didn't smile this time, despite his relief at Alec sounding more like himself. "Sucking less or sucking more?"
Alec didn't even have a chance to answer before he was caught up in another seizure, jittering in Logan's grip. Logan pulled him closer, bracing Alec's body with his own, hands smoothing up and down Alec's back, catching in the damp fabric of his t-shirt.
When it finally eased, Alec didn't pull away. Instead he stayed slumped against Logan, chest heaving with effort. "Hey." Logan stroked his back again. "It's going to get better, okay?"
"Better?" Alec's voice cracked and maybe it wasn't effort that had had his chest heaving. "I fucking p...pissed myself."
That explained the other smell.
"Okay." Logan kept his voice even, tightening his grip on Alec as he tried to pull away, twisting with shame. It was probably a sign of just how bad things had got that Alec, with his supposedly perfect genes, didn't make it. "It's perfectly understandable, Alec. It's a natural side effect of losing control of your muscles. It happens. It's nothing to be ashamed of."
"Nothing -" Alec's voice cracked again, and this time he managed to pull away, falling back against the side of the metal tub with a thud that made Logan wince. "You don't... know... jack... shit."
"Hey. Hey!" He followed, grabbing Alec's face in his hands and this time not letting him pull away again. He'd been right about one thing, even if he'd managed to fuck up the other. Alec's eyes were wet, and he refused to look at Logan, staring straight up at the ceiling so that they wouldn't spill over and humiliate him further. Logan refused to let him get away with it.
"After I got shot, I spent six months with a colostomy bag and a tube up my dick, reliant on other people to tell me when to piss. I know, okay? I get it. I get what it's like when your body lets you down. You're right. It fucking sucks."
Maybe it was the shock of Logan swearing out loud that got Alec looking at him. Maybe what Logan was saying finally got through to him. Logan didn't know, didn't care. He held Alec's gaze, his own unwavering, and didn't let go even when Alec finally did, just used his thumb to matter-of-factly wipe the wetness from Alec's cheek.
"You want to see if the power's stayed on long enough to get the water temp in this dump above freezing? Bath's right there. Got some sweats in the back that should fit you and a quart of milk on the table with your name on it, okay?" After some hesitation, Alec nodded slowly, eyes blinking rapidly as he sniffed, trying so hard to hold it all together that Logan felt that strange, awkward twisting feeling in his chest.
"All right. Stay here. I'll be right back."
He let go slowly, making sure that Alec could stay upright. He did, twisting around to watch Logan get up, his face back to that unreadable mask again. His cheeks were still damp, though, and his eyelashes were clumped together. He didn't speak until Logan was almost out of the door.
"Why...? Why are you...?"
That was the sixty four million dollar question. Logan wasn't sure that he had an answer.
He didn't need one. Alec had already bounced back as far as self-deprecation, probably because he didn't want any more pity. They never did, transgenics.
"Cute boyfriend, right?"
The smile that went along with the joke was shaky but it held a ghost of Alec's normal grin. Give him five more minutes and he'd be making cracks about how he couldn't blame Logan because he was cute as hell. It was amazing, how resilient they all were - Alec and Max in particular.
He snorted, throwing back over his shoulder as he left, "You wish."
It must have been his imagination, but as he left he could have sworn that he heard a softly spoken, "Yeah," following in his wake.
---
I'm not crazy, I'm just a little impaired
I know, right now you don't care
---
The water was not much more than tepid but Alec didn't complain. Logan suspected that he would have done if he'd been well, but then if he'd been well, Logan wouldn't be sitting next to the bath, running a cloth gently over his back.
They were obviously well into the land of surreal, and most surreal of all, Alec wasn't protesting, cracking jokes or smirking. He also wasn't seizing and for that alone Logan would be grateful.
It was strange, missing Smart Alec and his smart mouth. Until today, Logan wouldn't have thought that was possible.
"Tryptophan seems to have kicked in."
"Yeah." Alec didn't say anything else, just staring down at his hands as he dribbled water through the gaps between his fingers.
"How are you feeling?"
Alec shrugged, not looking at him. "Like something the cat dragged in."
"Funny guy." He lifted the cloth again, letting water trail down over Alec's shoulder, along his arm. "Looks like Max was right." At Alec's look, he added, "About it taking six hours or so to hit the worst."
"Yeah." Alec stirred the bubbles with his fingers again, seeming fascinated. "Tell you something."
"What's that?" Across Alec's back and over the other shoulder; there was a soothing rhythm to it, almost as soothing as Alec's chattering, which might not have been approaching its usual level but was making Logan feel better anyway.
"Not giving Max my meds anymore. She can get her own."
"You don't mean that." Down over the back, following the curve of Alec's spine.
"Yes, I do. This sucks and I don't love Max that much."
Now that was the usual Alec, letting his mouth run away with him and getting into trouble. Logan froze, water running down his fingers and arm. He wasn't the only one - it took a second for Alec to realise what he'd said but when he did this time the look he gave Logan was one of mingled misery and shame.
After a beat, Logan forced his hand to move again. He couldn't meet Alec's eyes, didn't want to see the apology in them. There would be one, he knew, and it would be genuine - for Alec. Alec had been able to say 'sorry' from the first, and mean it, while Max still struggled with the word. But then Max learnt from her mistakes and didn't repeat them. Alec seemed to spend his life flinging himself from one disaster to another. Today was just another case in point.
"Yes, you do," he said quietly. "We both know that."
Alec shrugged, looking uncomfortable. It was weird, that he could sit in this bath, naked and totally unselfconscious, but be embarrassed and wrong-footed by the turn the conversation had taken, like he was comfortable in his own skin but not comfortable in his own head. Logan could spend his whole life trying to figure Alec out and, he suspected, fail. He hadn't managed to figure Max out, after all.
He could watch Alec now that Alec had turned away, clearing his throat as he did so. Still awkward, and that wasn't a good look for Alec, probably because it wasn't one he wore very often. All Logan could see now was the curve of Alec's cheek, the gleam of one eye, half hidden by those long eyelashes that curled down. Alec's mouth was pulled tight, crooked at the edges. He was chewing on his lip, the way that he always did when he was lost in thought or worried, and Logan wondered when he'd learnt that much about Alec and his tells. He'd say his interest was purely down to self-preservation, but he was beginning to realise that it would be yet another lie, and he was sick of little white lies told to make everything easier.
"I'd give her half," Alec admitted finally. He shrugged again, but glanced back over his shoulder at Logan as he did so, adding, "Guess I should be grateful that Joshua doesn't get seizures if I'm going to have to share with all of my friends."
'Friends.' Alec's face was carefully blank and his eyes - far too large to be anything but pretty - were watching Logan carefully. He held Logan's gaze for long moments then gave him another fleeting smile before turning his attention back to the bubbles, pushing them around the tub like he hadn't a care in the world.
Logan wasn't fooled. He watched, soundlessly, as Alec occupied himself with making the same kind of shapes that Logan remembered making as a child.
"You don't have to stay with me, you know," Alec said suddenly. His face stayed turned away, watching what his hands were doing. "Not that I'm not grateful." He finally gave up the act and let his hands fall back into the water, sending another one of those awkward smiles in Logan's direction.
Logan sat back on his heels, caught out. He watched what little he could see of Alec's face for a moment, searching for something to say that wouldn't sound trite or cruel. He settled on a cautious, "What if you have another seizure?"
He got another one of Alec's meaningless shrugs in reply. "I'm transgenic, remember? I can hold my breath underwater for seventeen minutes and forty three seconds."
"That's... a lot."
Alec smiled again, one of those quick quirks of the mouth of his that were as much of a mask as anything else. "There are ordinaries - ordinary humans," he corrected himself quickly, "who can hold it for ten."
"You don't say," Logan said dryly. He folded the cloth, hanging it over the side of the tub and made himself comfortable on the floor next to it.
"Free divers," Alec elaborated, as though he'd been fooled into thinking that Logan gave a damn. "We genetically empowered have to be able to hold it for fifteen."
"And if you can't?" The question was an idle one, a way to mark time while he tried to figure out what else was going on in Alec's head, what this conversation was supposed to hide. He should have known better.
"We drown." It was said flatly, without any inflection. "Want to know how I got to seventeen minutes and forty three seconds?"
He didn't. He really didn't but found himself nodding numbly anyway.
Alec's smile held no amusement and his eyes held Logan's, wouldn't let him look away. His voice was gentle, and that just made what came next so much worse. "There was a problem and they couldn't get me out of the tank any earlier."
Logan didn't back down, meeting Alec's gaze steadily. Once again it was Alec who looked away first, his shoulders slumping and his attitude slipping away.
"Sorry." It sounded as genuine as it always did. "It's just..." Alec gestured with his hands, a lost little move that somehow managed to convey what he meant anyway. "When the serotonin levels drop, it's not just the seizures, you know? I'm a little emo." He wiped his hands tiredly over his face and back through his hair, leaving bubbles in their wake. It should have looked ridiculous. It didn't, not with the emptiness in Alec's eyes underneath.
"It's understandable that you'd be a little... under the weather." The words were neutral, but Alec's face twisted anyway.
"Everything's understandable with you, isn't it, Logan?"
"Would you rather I didn't understand?"
"Honestly? I don't have a fucking clue."
Logan waited for a moment to see if Alec would volunteer anything else. He didn't, just sat there, looking wretched, until Logan couldn't take it anymore. He leant forward and placed his hand on the back of Alec's neck, stroking his thumb lightly over the nape.
"I understand that too."
It took a second for Alec to catch on, to look sideways and catch the small smile that Logan wasn't trying very hard to hide, and then he scowled, pulling up his shoulders in an attempt to dislodge Logan's hand. It didn't work - Logan had learned 'stubborn' along with everything else, although he'd already had a firm foundation to build that on.
"Funny guy," Alec muttered, splashing at the bubbles still left. His bottom lip was sticking out, petulant, another sudden mood swing.
"I learnt from the best." Logan kept it light, backing away from the things he didn't want to talk about, like the other myriad ways that Alec had suffered while Logan himself had had the luxury of a wealthy, playboy lifestyle before the pulse had finally rubbed his face in those things he simply hadn't seen before. "Come on. You might not drown but you'll probably shrink."
"Ha. Ha."
He shook Alec's neck gently, aiming for a 'buddy' vibe. He missed it, his concern for the transgenic confusing everything; when he pulled his hand away, his fingers trailed over Alec's skin, tingling where they touched.
Alec didn't say anything; he was still staring down into the water, more subdued now. The shadows under his eyes spoke volume and, if Logan had had his wits about him, he might have realised just how drained Alec was before the mood swings - hyper to morose and back again - finally clued him in. Even now, Alec wasn't making an effort to get out of the bath, his head drooping and strands of damp hair sticking to his pale cheeks.
Finally, Logan decided that it would be easiest to simply pull out the plug and let the water drain out first instead of trying to wrestle a slick and naked Alec out of the water. Even then, his hands seemed to have a mind of his own, sliding over Alec's ankle bone as he pulled back.
He sat back on his heels, flushing, and pushed his glasses back up his nose, fighting the sudden urge to flee. This time he lost, stubbornness no match for this level of surreal.
"I'll get you something to wear. Be right back, okay?"
It took a second for Alec to drag his eyes back up, nod. Logan paused for a moment wanting... something. Nothing. To get away from Alec and that dead look and everything that it caused to twist in Logan's chest and low in his belly.
He gave up, staging a strategic retreat, knowing that for the moment he was beaten, even if he still hadn't figured out by what.
---
But soon enough you're gonna think of me
And how I used to be
---
Alec had made it out of the tub when he got back; he'd put the seat down on the toilet and was sitting there, a towel wrapped around his waist, but that seemed to have been as much progress as he'd been able to make. He hadn't managed to dry off properly; there were still water droplets on his chest and his hair curled damply around his ears.
"Hey." Alec turned his head to look at him, looking dog tired and beaten himself. "I got you clothes." He held them out awkwardly, for some reason reluctant to close those last few inches. "The pants might be a little long in the leg."
It was a stupid thing to say. He had a couple of inches on Alec but it wasn't that noticeable. He had the feeling, though, that at the moment he could tell Alec that the moon was populated by bright blue singing fishes and get that selfsame nod in reply.
He looked away as Alec dressed, figuring he owed Alec that nod to dignity at least. He doubted it mattered to Alec - he seemed as unselfconscious about nudity out of the tub as he'd been in it - but Logan needed that anyway, too worried... about what, he didn't want to examine too closely. So he waited until he was sure Alec was fully dressed before he turned around again.
The pants were a little loose, Alec being narrower around the hips and waist. They hung low on his hips, and the length meant that Alec's toes poked out of the bottom, looking oddly vulnerable, not a word that Logan had ever connected to the transgenic. Alec was broader in the shoulders too, the fabric stretching to accommodate his different body shape, clinging where Alec's skin was still damp. Logan had to force himself not to stare, no longer able to fool himself that it was concern that had him reluctant to take his eyes off the transgenic.
Manticore had made them pretty and Logan was only human. All too human. It was just a blessing that Alec was too spaced out to notice. He was sitting back down on the toilet lid, staring down at where his hands hung between his knees.
"Bed?"
It came out sounding like an offer and he cringed. Perhaps he was just being hypersensitive - he hoped - and Alec wouldn't pick up on it. Not that it was like Alec to let a double entendre pass by without comment.
"What did your friend Sung have to say?"
Except today.
Logan started to frown, the protest coming automatically. "I don't really think we need to talk about this now -"
"I do." Alec didn't look up. "It's kind of important."
He opened his mouth, arguments already tripping through his brain, and then closed it with a snap. Alec was right - this was important, and not just for Alec. That was another thing that had changed when he hadn't been looking, Alec's newfound sense of responsibility, and Logan couldn't - wouldn't - deny him it.
"He came through. We were right - the sector police caught up with your friend, Dmitri. Apparently, he was peddling drugs - the really illegal kind. Coke, heroin. Andy." Alec didn't even twitch, and after a second, Logan went on. "Offered them a deal. Said he knew where they could catch a real, live transgenic."
"Well, that's Dmitri. Stand up kind of guy. I'm sure that the cops were suitably grateful for his publicly spirited gesture." That was rich, given how Alec had probably made Dmitri's acquaintance. Logan let it slide without comment.
"Full immunity from prosecution if he came through."
"Of course." Now Alec did look up from his fingernails, giving him a rueful smile. "Our friendly, neighbourhood law enforcement agencies need to focus their efforts on the real criminals."
Logan couldn't resist a moment of smugness, putting his hands in his pockets and rocking back on his heels. "You'll be pleased to know that the cops don't consider that Dmitri came through for them. At the moment, he's cooling his heels in a lock up downtown."
Alec snorted. "So much for being a fine upstanding citizen. And the tryptophan?"
"He had it and the police seized it."
That got Alec's attention, the tension in his body easing. He kept his eyes focused on Logan's face as he asked tersely, "And?"
"This is the best part. You were right - selling tryptophan hasn't been illegal since the turn of the century. The FDA banned in for a while back in the 1990s - there was some research that suggested it was responsible for users developing an auto-immune condition." Alec rolled his eyes and Logan, for once more amused than irritated by his attitude, cut to the chase. "Importing it, however, is still a big no no."
"And Dmitri imported it?"
"He did."
"Meaning?"
"Meaning Customs currently have it. More precisely, Customs have it in a warehouse by the docks. And since it's not considered an illegal substance..."
Alec perked up. "They're not storing it in a high security depot?"
"They're storing it with tractor parts." Logan watched as Alec's face grew slack with relief, before adding, "God bless sector cops and their short-sightedness. Once Dmitri started talking, they were so keen at the chance of putting one over on the military and capturing a transgenic, they stopped asking salient questions. Apparently it never occurred to them to wonder why Dmitri was importing it, or why you would want it."
Alec sagged back, hands lax on his knees. "I doubt the military clued them into that particular genetic quirk of ours."
"You're probably right," Logan conceded, watching him carefully. "God bless interagency rivalry then. Matt said there's some bad blood - the sector cops don't appreciate the military coming in and imposing the blockade when it just creates more work for them and they're already overstretched as it is. And somehow it's always the cops who pick up the can when people complain about why the situation with TC hasn't been resolved yet. The chance to get one over on the military, score a publicity coup, must have been too tempting to pass up and they got careless. Here's hoping that they'll never change."
Alec snorted again. His face was grey, drained, and once again Logan found himself announcing, "Bed." This time it came out better, he thought. More friendly than... whatever it had been before. He added, for good measure, "I'll call TC. Let them know what info I've got, okay? It'll be okay, Alec. You're all resourceful enough to figure something out." The words were more patronising than he intended, and he cringed internally, still expecting Alec to pick that up and rip him a new one - or at least, do so in Alec's unique way, which involved a few pointed remarks and a healthy amount of mocking.
Alec stayed quiet, his eyes watching Logan closely. In the end, Logan had to hold out his hand, Alec eyeing it, confused for a second, until it clicked and he let Logan pull him to his feet. He staggered slightly, and Logan ended up catching him, pulling him close so that he could steady the both of them.
"Sorry," Alec mumbled. He didn't pull away, and what little colour there had been in his face faded away.
"It's okay. Just... let me..." He didn't elaborate, not even sure what he was trying to say.
"Tired," Alec admitted. It was a hell of a big admission for a transgenic, even if it was also obvious. They never showed any weakness, not if they could help it, which was something it had taken Logan some time to figure it out. That reluctance wasn't down to any misplaced sense of bravado - he hadn't needed Alec's story about drowning to figure out just how fucked up their upbringing had been, even if that revelation had underlined and bolded it. Any weakness, any flaw, was potentially a death warrant.
"Okay, let's get you to bed then."
"Gonna tuck me in?" It was probably intended to be a standard Alec smart remark, but it sounded more like a plea to Logan. Maybe that was wishful thinking, but Alec didn't protest as Logan steered him into the spare room, settling him down on the bed.
"Are you going to be okay?" he asked, peering into Alec's face to make damned sure that there could be no prevarication, no bravado. "Alec? Honey?" Again the endearment tripped easily across his tongue. It was something that Eyes Only usually reserved for the young and the vulnerable, and God knew Alec currently fit both of those criteria.
Alec met his gaze steadily. "When did you figure it out?"
The question threw Logan; he genuinely had no idea what Alec was asking about, failing to keep up with the twists and turns of that genetically engineered and more than a little devious brain.
"Huh?"
Alec glanced away for a split second before looking back, the look in his eyes even more intense. "Me and Max. When did you figure it out? You have figured it out, right?"
He didn't answer at first, still caught off guard at the question and struggling to keep up, wondering why the hell Alec brought this up now - what had made him bring it up at all. By the time he finally came up with something to say, Alec was back to biting his lip, and the look in his eyes had changed to nervous, a little lost.
"I... It took me a while, but, yes. I figured it out. Why didn't you say something?"
Alec shrugged, looked away again, still chewing on his lip. "Wouldn't help, would it?" His voice was gravelled, rough with exhaustion and something else. "I tried, but you were being so noble, talking about what Max needed and how it wasn't you." It stung and Logan felt his face freeze. Alec didn't seem to notice. He huffed out, but there was no amusement in it; just exasperation and maybe a little pain. "If I'd told you then, I'd still have been the bad guy, just for a whole different reason."
There was nothing for Logan to say except, "I'm sorry." Sorry for what, he wasn't quite sure yet.
"I told Max I wasn't going to be the bad guy, the jerk who stole another guy's girl."
Ouch. Logan winced again. "If it's any consolation, that wasn't what she told me. She didn't tell me at all. I saw you leaving that morning, jumped to the wrong conclusion and she just... didn't correct me. We... we'd been growing apart for a while and she'd already ended it. I just didn't want to let go."
Alec nodded seriously, still watching his face. It was an uncomfortable feeling, being this honest with Alec of all people.
"She was scared," Alec explained, as if Logan needed any more explanation. "She was right to be. After what happened to Annie, with the virus... No one wants to see you die, Logan. Not Max. Not anybody."
Not Alec went without saying. Logan had got that now.
"I know." He hesitated. Maybe it was because they were being honest, or maybe it was as petty as not wanting to be the only one who felt off-balance, but he added, "Can I ask you something?"
Alec didn't nod, but he didn't shake his head either. Instead he just kept on watching Logan steadily, eyes tracking between Logan's.
"Did you know? When you helped Max escape? About the virus?"
Alec still held his gaze and he was grateful for that, that Alec was taking this seriously enough to either be honest or lie looking him straight in the eye. "No." He shrugged one shoulder, still not looking away. "Manticore wasn't exactly big on keeping us in the picture. I was told to help Max escape and then I was told to go and bring her back. That was the first time Renfro filled me in about the virus. There was no need to tell me before then."
"Would it have made any difference?" Logan asked softly. "If she'd told you before?"
Alec didn't hesitate, just shook his head, eyes never leaving Logan's face. "Not then, no." His tone was that awful gentle one, the one that said this was the way life was and it sucked. "I couldn't go back to Psy-Ops, Logan."
It had to be masochism that had Logan pushing it, asking, "And now?"
This time Alec looked away. He kept his voice gentle, but somehow it stung worse than if he'd been harsh. "They'd have killed me. They would have taken me apart to figure out what went wrong, why I disobeyed orders again, but they wouldn't have put me back together. They couldn't have risked putting me back in the field, not a fourth time. My life, or you and Max being able to touch. Go back to having a 'not like that' relationship where you waste a year and don't even..."
He bit off the last few words, fingers twisting tightly in the sheet he was sitting on. After a few seconds, he relaxed his grip, smoothing out the creases rather than looking up at Logan.
"I don't know," he admitted. "But I don't think so. I'm sorry if that's not what you want to hear."
It wasn't but he'd asked. Now he just had to bear it. And put like that - Alec's life balanced against being able to touch Max, hold her... he wasn't sure that he'd decide any differently.
Max hadn't. Given a choice between a cure or watching Alec's head explode, she'd chosen Alec. For the first time, Logan didn't blame her. Or Alec.
"You should get some sleep," he said. "I'm sorry. I shouldn't... I shouldn't have asked." It was hard, but he managed to muster up a smile for Alec, trying to be gracious even now, or maybe really trying to apologise rather than smoothing things over.
"Can I ask you something now? Since we're in a sharing mood and all." There was something diffident in Alec's tone, and that caught his attention. Alec and diffident weren't two words that went together.
After a moment's thought, he settled on a cautious, "Sure."
"Is that why you made the 'cute boyfriend' comment to Max? Because you'd already figured out that I'm not? Her boyfriend, I mean?"
Okay, that question had come out of left field. Logan shut his mouth with a snap, ignoring the gleam that had appeared in Alec's eye. "Um... I guess," he finally admitted.
"Huh."
He wasn't going to ask. He wasn't.
"Huh? Why else...?"
That gleam in Alec's eye broadened. "I thought maybe you just thought I was cute," he deadpanned.
"Funny."
Alec tilted his head to one side, watching him. "You don't think I'm cute?" He pouted. Only a little pout but a pout nonetheless.
"I see you're feeling better," Logan answered dryly, trying to steer the conversation back from Surrealsville. "Bed."
That probably wasn't the way to do it. Alec cracked a grin, one that edged into delighted, and Logan had to close his eyes, embarrassed.
"Well, if you insist, Logan..."
He sighed, at a loss as to how to deal with Alec's mercurial mood swings, although he'd never had any idea that they would swing in this direction. He was reduced to scrubbing tiredly at his eyes, his glasses bumping up against his forehead, before saying, "Alec..."
Alec's fingers were back to twisting in the sheets, and his head was bowed. When he spoke again, it was muffled and soft, almost tentative, if Alec could ever be tentative.
"You know... if you wanted to... we could. Not like I'd be stealing Max's guy, right? Not now you've called it a day."
His expression, when he looked up, peering at Logan from beneath the hair that fell across his forehead, was half-hopeful and half fearful, at least under the normal bravado that this time couldn't quite mask it. Logan could only stare at him, his mind blank, and Alec's smile faded a little, the bravado not carrying him through. "I mean, if you want. No big."
No big. Jesus. This was an Alec that he had no idea how to deal with.
"I... I thought you liked girls."
Smooth. Very, very smooth.
Alec was looking at him like he was crazy and Logan wasn't convinced that he was wrong. "I do like girls, Logan." He spoke very slowly, as though that would somehow help. "I like... people."
"People?"
"People."
"Okay." People. Jesus. "Alec... Look, it's been a long night, and given what you've been through I can understand that you might be feeling a little..." He couldn't even think of the word, not when Alec was just sitting there, in a too tight t-shirt, looking wan and washed out, any hope evaporated from his face leaving nothing but blankness behind. Logan persevered. "A little overemotional. And I've been here for you, and it's understandable that under those circumstanced you'd end up feeling a little..."
"You think I'm asking if you want to fuck me because I'm grateful? Because I owe you?" Alec's voice was flat; hard and empty. "Is that how you think I settle my debts? Because I don't settle them on my back." When he put it like that, Logan couldn't blame him for being pissed. "I'll say it again, Logan. You understand jack shit."
"Alec..."
"If you're not into guys, just say so. If you're not into me, just say so. I'm a big boy. I can take it." His voice cracked - exhaustion, emotion or both. "But don't tell me that I don't get to make my own decisions about who I fuck. Or that I'm doing it because... I don't know. You've got some whacked out ideas about me and how I view the world. Manticore's gone and I don't have to do anything I don't want to do. Not anymore."
Logan stared at him, speechless, until Alec finally shut up, slumping back and glaring at him petulantly.
"Okay..."
Alec's scowl deepened.
"I wasn't trying to imply..."
Oh, this just wasn't fair. Alec had gone from glaring at him to folding his arms and watching him over them, raising one eyebrow when Logan stuttered to a stop, his hands flapping helplessly. A smirk couldn't be very far behind, although so far Alec was resisting, probably because that made it just that little bit worse for Logan, rubbing it in just a bit harder by keeping the moral high ground.
But it also meant that Alec was segueing back to playful. His black moods - the ones that Logan had seen - never seemed to last long before his outward sunny demeanour reasserted itself, and after this evening Logan couldn't really complain about it, whether it was an act or not. The sheer relief of Alec not dying on his couch was making him playful too.
"I just prefer my partners conscious," he deadpanned. "It's a thing."
Alec spluttered with laughter and, God, Logan was glad to see it. His own mouth turned up in an involuntary answering smile. "Hey, look," he said, intending to suggest again that Alec get some sleep. He didn't get a chance. Alec's hands came up to cup his face, thumbs stroking over his cheekbones the way that Logan's had stroked over Alec's face earlier.
He expected Alec to be rough, forceful. He couldn't have been more wrong. Alec's mouth on his was soft, questioning, giving him every opportunity to pull back. Or to push forward.
Alec's lips parted for him, Alec pressing forward and making a soft sound deep in his throat. He tasted faintly of mint; at some point he must have used Logan's toothbrush. Logan couldn't complain about that, not really. Not when Alec's mouth was wet and warm and Alec's lips moved perfectly under his.
Alec might have been able to hold his breath for seventeen minutes, but Logan couldn't, especially not when his heart was pounding like this, rushing the blood around his body. He pulled back before he grew light-headed, panting for breath. His hands were gripping Alec's biceps, the muscles hard under his palm, and Alec's eyes were blown wide, pupils dilated and surrounded by that thin sliver of green. He was shaking again, but this time Logan didn't think that it had anything to do with brain chemistry. Just chemistry.
He swallowed, his throat dry and his lips tingling. "I think..." Alec was still watching him, his gaze tracking back and forth between Logan's mouth and eyes. Logan squeezed his eyes tightly shut, told his libido to take a hike.
For once it listened.
"I think you should get some sleep. I'll..." He swallowed, forcing himself to ease his hold on Alec's arms but letting his hands slide up and down Alec's skin, trying to keep it soothing and reassuring. "I'll wake you up in the morning, okay?"
He didn't get an answer, Alec simply watching him, his face settled back into that opaque mask. After a second or two, he moved up the bed, pulling the covers up and sliding underneath them.
Logan backed out of the room, switching off the light. Alec's eyes gleamed back at him, reflecting the light from the hallway outside, before they slid shut, and Logan was finally able to leave.
He let his head fall against the wall outside, his palms sweaty until he rubbed them on his pants' legs. He had no idea what the hell had just happened. Had no idea whether he wanted it to happen again.
It took him several minutes to pull himself together. When he headed back into the main room and the comfort of his terminal, he couldn't resist looking back in on Alec.
The covers were rising and falling steadily, Alec already lost to sleep.
Logan envied him that.
---
If I could go back
Would you have ever been with me
---
He wasn't surprised when something woke him in the early hours of the morning. It was still dark outside, but at some point Alec had switched the hall light on, left it on and left the door open. It was a concession to him, he knew. Alec was perfectly capable of seeing in the dark.
The light was enough to see Alec, perched on his bed, watching him. It should have been creepy, but he'd experienced enough of Max's quirks by now not to be phased by it. Not that Max had been in the habit of sneaking into his bedroom in the middle of the night. Into his apartment, yes, but she'd skirted around his bedroom like entering it meant crossing a line she hadn't been ready to.
He sat up, scrabbling on the bedside table for his glasses. He could see Alec a little better with them on, although he couldn't make out Alec's expression, just the gleam of his eye where it caught the light.
"Everything okay?"
Alec nodded, head tilted towards him, watching him.
Logan ran his hands through his hair, pushing it back from his face, and sat up with a soft groan. The muscles of his back tended to stiffen up when he slept - transgenic blood wasn't a cure all, but a little stiffness now and then beat not walking at all.
Alec waited until he was sitting upright before offering, "I used your computer, called TC." Of course he had, and it wouldn't have occurred to Alec to ask first. Something of that must have shown on his face, because Alec added, "I didn't look at anything else in case you were wondering. Just wanted to check in, see whether we had a plan yet." Alec probably thought that was another concession, not to snoop.
"And do you?"
Alec nodded again, his head ducking and one hand coming up to scratch at the back of his neck. It was another trademark move of Alec's and Logan wondered whether he realised that his hand automatically came to rest across his barcode when he did so.
"I'm going to leave when it starts getting light. Mingle with the six a.m. crowd on the way to work. There's a checkpoint not far from here where they're not exactly hot on checking IDs, and they don't have thermal imagers yet." He shrugged, outlined by the light behind him. His face was still half turned towards Logan, and his teeth caught the light when he smiled. "Beats climbing fences, I guess, although that's always an option if things go south."
"It's not light yet," Logan said evenly.
"No." Alec's head tilted back in his direction and Logan didn't have to see his face to be able to picture the searching look that would be there. "Dawn's another hour or so away."
"Okay. How are you doing?"
In answer, Alec held up his hand, holding it straight out, palm down. It stayed rock steady.
"Well, that's an improvement. I'm glad to see you're doing okay."
"I drank the rest of your milk."
Logan frowned, pushing his glasses up his nose with his fingers and struggling to focus on Alec through them. "You started to seize again?"
"No," said Alec. "I was just thirsty."
Logan let out a snort of laughter. "I'm glad to see you've got your sense of humour back," he said.
"Never lost it," Alec replied lightly. "Want to fool around?"
"Well... that's straight to the point."
"You can fuck me if you want."
He choked, coughing while Alec grinned at him, head to the side and eyes gleaming with amusement.
"Too much to the point, huh?"
"You... you are incorrigible."
"Incorrigible. I like the sound of that. Is that a yes?"
"That's a 'you're going to be the death of me'."
"But what a way to go."
This was the Alec he knew and... well, he guessed he liked well enough, although he didn't know whether that was because he'd caught a glimpse of the Alec underneath, colouring his perceptions, and his usual irritation would reassert itself when he had to go back do dealing with Alec's normal, annoying smart ass persona. At the moment, though, it was beyond good to see him back to his regular 'incorrigible' self. Life without Alec would be boring indeed, he was beginning to realise, no matter how he categorised his feelings towards the transgenic.
Alec was obviously tired of waiting for him to make up his mind.
"Look, Logan. You and Max are over - you've both told me that. I don't think you're seeing anyone else -"
"What makes you think that?" He intended to throw Alec off-balance, but Alec didn't even pause.
"One toothbrush in the bathroom, you have nothing that passes for a social life and Asha is now seeing Sketchy." Logan couldn't decide what was worse - Alec counting the reasons off one by one on his fingers or the fact that he gave Logan what was supposed to be a winning smile when he finished. It might even have been the fact that he was right, on all counts. Except...
"Sketchy?"
"Yeah, I know. Way I figure it, she knew that nothing would ever compare with me so didn't even try."
"You. And Asha?"
"Not quite," said Alec mournfully. "But almost. She fell asleep. That isn't, by the way, an indictment of my skills in the sack. She'd had a bit to drink and you ordinaries, you just can't handle your booze." He paused thoughtfully, scratching at the back of his neck again. "Although I suppose that could be seen as an indictment of my pulling skills."
"Incorrigible," muttered Logan, enthralled in spite of himself.
"I could be incorrigible and naked," Alec tempted. He gave another one of those supposedly winning smiles. Logan - God help him - was starting to warm to them.
He shouldn't succumb. He shouldn't. It was a bad idea on so many counts, not least of which was Alec himself and the havoc he wrecked in his wake.
"Alec..."
"Naked, Logan."
He laughed. He couldn't help it. He'd taken up permanent residence in Surrealsville, population two - three if he counted his dick, which was now reminding him of the fact that Alec had been bang on target about his lack of social life.
"Incorrigible," he murmured again and Alec, sensing victory, smiled.
"Incorrigible and naked." He cocked his head temptingly but now that Logan's eyes had adjusted to the lack of light, he could see that Alec's eyes were as watchful as always, anticipating rejection, his brow lightly furrowed as he calculated the odds, worked out which scenario got him out, skin - and heart - intact.
It was that, not Alec's attempts at sweet talk, that clinched the deal. He said nothing, but slid sideways in the bed, leaving a space for Alec next to him.
Alec didn't need to be invited twice, whether that invitation was wordless or not.
He was warm and solid and still kissed like an angel, surprisingly sweet and non-aggressive. His skin was smooth under Logan's fingers when they slid underneath Alec's shirt and mapped out the contours of his body. There were no scars - not with his stem cells and ability to heal - nothing to show the road he'd travelled.
His scent was a little muskier than the few men that Logan had experimented with in college, and his sweat a little sweeter when Logan lapped it from the hollow of his throat, but the sounds he made when Logan bit at his Adam's apple were just as pleasured and his fingers just as strong as they stroked over Logan's dick.
It didn't surprise him that Alec was a tease, bringing him to the edge and easing him back down again before he could come. It also didn't surprise him that Alec was focused, watching and cataloguing all of Logan's reactions - what he liked and what did nothing for him - with fascination. It would all be filed somewhere in that extraordinary brain, accessible with perfect recall, and later he'd worry about it. Later, when Alec's hand had stopped jerking him off, when Alec finally let him come.
He couldn't bring himself to fuck Alec, not this time and when he had the luxury later he knew that he'd worry about thinking of this brief fling with madness as 'this time'. It was too personal, too intense, more than he thought he could cope with. Didn't want to give Alec something he'd never given Max, no matter how selfish that was. Instead, he used his hands, touching Alec, learning Alec and Alec loved it, arching into each stroke, each feather light touch, like an affection starved cat.
It was probably an apt comparison, but Logan didn't want to think about that either.
When Alec came, his eyes were wide and green and open, no masks, not this time. He was beautiful and defenceless and - for one brief, perfect moment - Logan's. Logan could only look away, burying his face in Alec's hair so that he couldn't see it any longer and pretending that he'd intended to kiss Alec there the whole time.
It turned out that there was a practical use for being able to hold your breath for seventeen minutes, even out of Manticore. But he still wasn't surprised when he woke from a doze and Alec was gone and hadn't left a note.
---
We're getting off track
And I want to get you back again
---
There was no note three days later, when he came home with a meet from an informant to find a fresh quart of milk in the fridge and a small brown bottle on the table, filled with white pills. Logan wasn't stupid - he got the message.
Debt repaid in full.
He poured the milk down the sink but kept the pill bottle, shoving it to the back of the medicine cabinet where it was out of sight, out of mind.
Just in case.
---
Be my savior
And I'll be your downfall
---
The End
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"I could be incorrigible and naked,"
This has to be one of the best lines in the history of forever.
So sad that it feels like a one-time thing between them, but real too.
Wonderful fic.
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And thank you :)
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I was so pleased to find a nice long realisitic Alec/Logan peice.
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I loved your characterisation and the whole plot. It was really sweet. Hope you write this pairing again at some point.
- Sorry again for mucking up the prompts (but with the fic that came out of it, is it wrong to be slightly glad you ended up writing slash?)
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Sorry again for mucking up the prompts
Don't worry about it. It happens :)
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I could be incorrigible and naked
Best line ever!
Thanks
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Thanks for sharing.
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I love 'needy' Alec because it takes advantage of those hints of vulnerability that we were shown, but most other stories take it too far to be believable. This was just perfect.
I think you captured both of their characters perfectly.
...and Alec loved it, arching into each stroke, each feather light touch, like an affection starved cat.
Perfect description of Alec. He needs more human contact than he'll ever let on, but he'll only accept it on his terms and when he's pretty much reached the point where he really needs to.
I really liked the way you've written Logan, too. He's conflicted and wary, but compassionate and caring. I'm glad you didn't sweep aside what he still feels for Max. That's too much a part of him. I love how conflicted he was over giving his entire supply of tryptophan to Alec at first, wanting to save some 'just in case' for Max but when faced with Alec's real need, he couldn't (and didn't want to) reject him.
This is a definite keeper to add to my small store of DA fics. Thanks for sharing and I'll be greedy and hope for more.
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I'm glad that Logan's hesitation worked for you. I'm really not fond at all about some of the character bashing that goes on in the fandom, especially not of Logan (I tend to read a lot of Max/Alec fic) so I do try to make sure that the Logan I write is flawed but still human - still the dedicated, occasionally too focused but compassionate man we see on screen. There's no doubt that he loves Max, no matter how things work out between them, so under those circumstances I think that it's perfectly understandable that he'd hesitate. I know I would in his shoes.
But at the end of the day, he tries so hard to do the right thing and in spite of the tension between him and Alec, he usually comes through.
And I do so love needy Alec, for the same reasons you do - those little hints of vulnerability, covered up quickly by his 'I'm always all right' attitude. He grows so much through the course of the season, and he's still growing as a person by the end of Season 2. I would have loved to have seen Season 3, to see whether he grew into a leader too, but even without it, it's fascinating to watch Alec blossom after the way that Manticore stunted him - stunted all of them really, at least emotionally.
But thanks again for taking the time to comment, and so nicely as well :)
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I'd really like to read more in this universe.
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"Utter awesome".
Yesh!
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::snugs::
Thank you!
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And this line is pure GUH:
Alec loved it, arching into each stroke, each feather light touch, like an affection starved cat.
I don't see Supernatural on your list of fic tags. How can that be??????? :-)
Thanks for the great reads!
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Supernatural isn't a fannish show for me - I love it, but I don't really do the fandom thing about it. I have a few shows like that :)
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really phenomenal take on alec and logan
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Re: really phenomenal take on alec and logan
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The plotty parts all seemed verr canonlike.
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It's really lived up to all my expectations. I think the length is just right, and vulnerable Alec is wonderful.
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